After getting out of the hot tub tonight, I started talking to my mom (or an empty room, depending upon what your beliefs are) .It’s something that I’ve only done a handful of times .Right in the middle of it, I realized that today is the two year anniversary of her death.

As I’ve mentioned a number of times on the Float-e-cast, I think of her all the time. In some ways it seems like she’s been gone forever. The other day I picked up a journal of hers, written just as I had graduated from high school and moved out.

Man, do I miss her…

There is more forward momentum on me leaving the country — at least temporarily. I’ll be going to France and Africa at the beginning of next year, if all goes to plan. My mom would be really happy, since she was really concerned that when I joined the academic hoop-jumping again, that I would lose sight of my art. This will be jamming me right into it again. Puppeteering for television was one of my big dreams as a child. I would say that was one of my big dreams as an adult, but that would only be a piece of the picture. The dreams of adulthood are much more expansive, though they definitely have puppeteering on television in there somewhere. There’s also the issue of friends, family (including having kids, of course), being generally inspired both creatively, and by life in general. — that is one thing that academic is good for: throwing a damp rag on inspiration. The only things that really get me worked up in academic and are the people that I meet who don’t quite belong there, but somehow ended up there anyway.

Speaking of: today I had stupid day of twitchiness in class. One of my classes — the class that I spent spring break writing a paper for — as 650 people in it. The way that attendance is taken, and the way that quizzes are taken, is with this little remote control device. The professor will allow the cost to discuss things during quizzes. Today he quizzed us on the books that I did my paper on. I’m not sure, but I think I got two out of three wrong. I’m a genius. It had more to do with my Swiss cheese memory sieve than anything else. The only problem was that during the discussion of the questions, I piped up as absolutely certain of one of the questions, which turned out to be wrong. This meant I basically dragged about 200 people in with me. After the quiz, I grabbed a microphone (which is what we have to use to address the instructor), and asked him to clarify the question. This further pointed out how little I retained from the reading. Then I sat in my chair and Kuwait and had facial spasms and of lots of headshaking, as I chastised myself. I could observe it from the outside while it was happening, but would then get pulled right back into it. It was interesting — basically an OCD twitchfest. Thank the Lucky Lord that I had my time in the secret society/cult/what ever you want to call it. The simple Swiss Army knife of their spiritual tools are great for such compulsive brain squeezinz. The heart of it is, is that there is no real problem in any of what happened. And it’s all just made up brain seizure cartoons.

Anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely cut myself off again: I do miss my mom. I have a grandma who just turned 89 yesterday, and I forgot to call her for her birthday. I’m a genius redux. Every now and again I sit and think about that: the idea of having another almost 50 years left in my life. I seriously doubt I will get there, with the amount of caffeine that I drink, and sugar that I pack down my mouth hole.

V is in Florence Italy for a work conference. I have the house to myself for a week. She’ll have the house to herself for six months, starting at the end of the year. She tells me about 10 times a day about how sad she will be, and how much he will miss me. She wants to make plans, or explore certain ideas, certain what-ifs. I just can’t really go there, because there are so many variables in play that I can even begin to process them. If the television show goes exceptionally well, and this turns into a long career move (which, honestly speaking, I would love), I have no idea how about will play itself out between us. Only time will tell…

It’s time for me to go draw something. You really should start posting some of the stuff to the Web, given that the last float-e-cast album art has been in my illustration pane for 1 billion years now. I’ve been doing a little drawing every single night since the beginning of the year. That IS how Candycartoon got started after all…

I’m tired. I love this dictation software. I miss my mom.

Again: I’m not proofreading any of this — so if there are any weird turns of phrase, or bad spelling, blame it on Mr. Computer. He is mean.

...and boy am I having one of those experiences right now!

This is ridiculous. I'm a five page paper due for a class, that I've been working on for five days. I did all of the reading long ago, and I thoroughly understand it. The problem is, that the instructor wants the paper written in a very specific way, conveying very specific things. We also have to have 20 citations listed for it to be considered complete. I have write-in probably about 20 or more pages worth of material, all to no avail. If I didn't have this dictation software, I would have the worst headache in the world, combined with shoulder pain that would feel like I had a screwdriver and bedded in my neck. That is the one bright point of this whole experience -- that I don't have to suffer by typing. It has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions by Kevin, that this is just a hint of what's to come, as far as grad school is concerned. How am I ever supposed to get through that? I can barely even imagine taking my GREs, much less slogging through masters thesis hell. Fuck that shit...

I am spending spring break writing a paper, and I just came across this funny little fact:

In real life, when the female of a mating pair of clown fish is removed, the male turns into a female. One of the offspring then takes over the role of the male in the mating pair. So, it occurred to me, that Nemo's dad would've turned into his mom, and he would marry his former dad/current mom, and start some mad Oedipal hoedown. Boy, would I like to see that movie!

Midterms week is over.

Now I am on spring break -- which means that I have the good fortune of being able to spend the coming week working on a paper. Yay!

Today after I got home from class, I was eating lunch, and watching "The world's most amazing videos" on the TiVo. As I was tromping into a frozen burrito, I was watching a segment about some firemen who almost get chomped up by a fire at a house. Just then, I smelled burning wood, and looked out the window to see a cloud of smoke drifting off into the distance. I hopped on my bike and went looking for it, ultimately finding a house that was engulfed in flames, surrounded by fire trucks. It was quite dramatic. Somebody is really bummed tonight. Then I went back home and chomped more burrito.

Today the gym, I was struck as I often am, by people on the ab machine. In this case, there was this quite heavy man laying on it, and he was positioned (as so many people tend to be) so that his kneck was right at the place that his midsection should be on the machine. This means that the work out that he was getting for his plump abs, was actually basically just an exercise for his lats and triceps as he pulled his head up and down. I have no doubt that he feels that plump abbage tightening up tonight as he sucks down a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Good for him!

Still in love with my Dick Tatian software! Dick Tatian, he's my man! If he can't do it, I'll eat a can!

Does anybody have any idea why apostrophes in my last entry are being converted into that ASCII symbol crap? I do have a tendency to let you use the m-dash symbol, which is evidently not blog-friendly, but there's something going on with those apostrophes.

Obviously the Float-e-cast seems to have taken somewhat of a permanent hiatus.

As probably anybody who’s reading this already knows, I have gotten my hands on a piece of dictation software that allows me to just speak into my computer instead of actually taking all of the energy to lift my fingers and slam them back down again on the keyboard in order to make words for you to read. This means, that I am likely to journal for a while in a manner that I have not done before. I have no idea why, but I have this compulsion to broadcast my life to the universe, or more accurately, to the 1 ½ people out there who can raise enough interest to actually bring themselves to read the drivel that erupts from my flappy mouth.

I’m taking this opportunity to procrastinate in a much more useful way than just surfing the Internet endlessly, as I am prone to do. My full-blown Internet addiction waxes and wanes, and since I’ve gotten this software, it has much less of a grip on me, because I have the compulsion to commit my words to the screen, rather than just sucking up detritus with my eyeballs. For some reason, I have a memory of being about 11-13 years old, and watching an episode of Gilligan’s Island that for some reason led to it strain of thoughts that culminated in me thinking long and hard about how great it would be to be able to just speak and have it automatically get written down. I still don’t have my bipedal robot that I was promised as a kid, but I do have my automatic writing machine, mother Fokker (can you tell that the stupid machine doesn’t like me to use expletives?)

I just have been reading a bit of one of my mom’s old journals. It’s the one that I’ve read the most of, which means that I have read much of it at all. Part of the reason that I continued to pick it up, is its form factor. It’s a real small book that she bought when we lived in Japan. It’s white and light green with a cartoonish picture of a little girl, sitting down, holding a bouquet of pink flowers. She’s wearing a 70s-type hat and bellbottom overalls, both of which are green, and she sitting on some grass surrounded by more pink flowers. There aren’t many entries in the book – as a matter of fact there are only a handful, but I keep being pulled back to them over and over again. The two most significant entries have to do with me moving out when I was 18.

I really miss her. I think about her every day – multiple times throughout the day. Sometimes, it feels like I’m sort of aware of some level of thought about her all day long.

This is sort of off topic – but, it’s interesting to me what different parts of me come out when I’m “writing�, then when I’m recording audio. There’s something about the written word that doesn’t make you feel like quite so much of a blowhard compared to when I’m speaking. My more serious podcasts – aside from the one the night my mom died – tended to make me feel like I needed to roll my eyes completely out of my head. There’s something about the act of recording my voice when I’m being serious, that tends to make me feel as though the act of doing so, and posting it online, is taking myself way too seriously. The Goob Lorber knows that I can certainly take myself way too seriously, which is completely retarded more often than not, and the last thing the world – or the inter-web – needs is for me to share it with everybody.

Anyway — I should be studying for a test right now, and I suppose I will get to it, but there was something about the act of reading a journal of my mom’s got was really taking me back to when I was younger, before I moved out on my own. It’s amazing how long ago that was now — though I’m sure any of these pipsqueak 20-year-olds in my classes would not find it that amazing — and it’s also weird to be reading these words, knowing that my mom had such little idea that in 22 years she would be dead, and I would be reading what she wrote with her dog on my lap, while sitting in San Francisco.
None of us really know how long we havw, you’ll be reading this and thinking “wow, little did he know that in 20 short minutes from when he wrote that, he would be laying at the bottom of the stairs with a 3 foot piece of rebar protruding from his temple…�

I suppose that I should get to work. Welcome to what might very well be the beginning of a word-caked blog habit of mine.

Let's take back a li'l of our anonymity. (via Boing Boing)

Yo daddioze! Since I have been doing such in frequent Float-eez of late, I have started an e-mail notification Of course, if you be subscribed to my show through iTunes or sumpin' you'd be informed anyway, but I know that the majority o' peeps listenin' download manually fer some raisin. So—just to letcha know: I posted a new show.

Peez.

Here is teh late late late Xmuss prezzie

Click for larger image

Click image to magnify, daddio!

Victor'z Xmoose head.

Ah wuz serenaded bah mah own damn self!

Me an' my li'l sonbrother

I am in love with this

Lookin fer the toy!

Click here for a fun thing that I ran across on Boinboing

Oh man...My sister sent me a link to this (warning, embedded video that doesn;t seem to work in Safari). I laughed and laughed and laughed...

Capote sleepin'all cutie-like.
(Am I makin' you all vomity yet?)

If anyone would likt ot hear my mom's memorial service, I have posted it in its entirelty to her site. Click here to listen.

Bein' as how i'm all into teh cutiepieness these days, I thought I'd post this..

Click to enlarge

Click image to enlarge.

I just ran across this pic of me at Burning Man last year.
Unfortunately the candypack is hidden from view..

*Click for larger view*

Click here to see me 20 years ago, at the ripe old age of 17.

Me then.

Me now.

A trip down Memory Lane:

More

Click here to see pix of my finished spiders and flies at the venue, and here to see a closer view, plus me with a giant neck I wore to the event.

Here is that church I mentioned in my podcast.

Click here to see the first spider I have assembled. Those are coat hangers on the bottom left. He is unpainted. There will be more that are over twice his size.

Here is a picture of the mushedness of my car:

If you dunno what happint, you should listen to my podcast dood.

Which of the following designs might you wear on a shirt (If you like something about a specific design, but would like to see it a bit different, then please elaborate):

A)

B)

C)

D)

E)This one will have the "candycartoon"part removed.

F)

G)

H)

I)

J)

K)

L)

M)

N)

O)

P)

Q)

R)

S)

Also- if there are any designs in teh past that jump out more to you than any of these, please let me know. I am putting together a line of shirts.

THe audio protion of this page has a deal for you! Yes! YOU!

I have always had this feeling that there is a good chance that some day, I would get sucked into MMORPG addiction. The time may very well be on the horizon....

At my art show, one of the people that approached me was a guy who is evidently working on the next title from the person/company that brought the Sims. He said that this next thing that the developer is doing is really cool, but he couldn't tell me anything about it other than to say that the stuff that I had made for the show really brought that game to mind. I had forgotten about the exchange until today. I ran across a link to this article, and I think that if this is the thing that he was talking about, I am gonna be screwed, on accounta the fact that if the thing is as cool as it sounds, I will be forced to play it. V also said that she would be powerless to resist it. We shall see...

Speaking of my show, here are a few pics of some of the stuff that I made over a two week period for it. THere are a number of other guys that aren't pictured.

The guys in this picture were taken from

this page from my book

Here is a pic to give you an idea of the size of the creaturezz

I have spent the last two weeks banging out stuff for an art showing that I'll be having on Saturday. `

It will be at a party event, which might actually be fun. It is a puppet-themed thing—hence my involvement. I'll have some stuff for sale too sell also. Here is the info:

http://www.anonsalon.com/april05/index.html

You should come, don't you think?

I done finished the first (and possibly last) video for my new jangle.

I was hoping to use final cut pro, but i seem to have lost my insatallation disc, so for now, I am stuck with the super limited iMovie. That li'l girl voice singin'
"la la" in the song? that's me. Thank the goob lorb for digital toolz.

Okay- so I had to tinker with my eeteefeetie video some more.

There were some things that bugged me about it, so I went in and tinkered a bit. There are still some things that bug me about it, but I am gonna call it done.

I haven't done any new music or video, but I will be doing more when I get back, and get the right tools in my hand. I may try to get to something before I head back. We'll see. I already know the next thing I'm gonna shoot, and the songlett (jingle?) for it is already done.

My mom is holding up well. A friend of hers from one of her stage four cancer groups gave her a whole range of herbal products form a company that she is helping to start. We will cal her S. S said that in the last couple of months that she has been on them, she has felt better than she has in decades- never mind that she has been on several rounds of chemo. I don't know how much the stuff costs, but it can't be cheap, and she just gave it to my mom, since she said that she has been such an inspiration. I really almost teared up when she gave it to her. So- It's only been a few days, and she is already perking up a bit. At this rate, she'll be around quite a bit longer than we thought. Or- at least feeling better while she's here. Faboo.

Editing video with iMovie is a pain in the ass

But it will do in a pinch. It takes about 200 times longer to do than in a more advanced app, and it looks crappier, but it'll have to do. I really want to change the brightness of some of the fonts, but I can't bring myself to do it right now, since this 37 second video has already taken me 2 days, and to just change the brightness of the font will take at least an hour, but probably two. I need to be working in Flash or something. Sheesh! This is retarded.

All the music that I am using in these things are just quick one-off things that I do without any thought, or plan (can you tell? Heh.) Do me a favor... The songs are such crappy little farts, that they really could use a listenin' to with headphones. They need all the hep they can get.

My mom is holding up well. We went to the doctor today, and it went well. I do think that she very well might have quite a lot of time left. nobody knows, but it would not surprise me a bit. We had a couple of hours today in which we (well, mostly me, actually..) thought that we lost her purse, but we discovered that we were wrong. I was doubly upset, since I pulled the boneheaded maneuver of the century and lost the new iPod that V gave me for Xmuss. That was painful. Still is. I am not giving up hope on it until I get back, but I fear that it gone forever.

Speaking of V: she is in Tokyo, and we have been video chatting to keep in touch, which is super great. Man, are we vastly different creatures....

I gots me a new one minute songlett to do a video for.

My pseudonym for this new project is Captain Fagmerica. I will save the worlb, you jus' watch me(ep).

For my mini projects, I'm using iMovie, which is suuuper frustrating. I forgot to install better video software on my machine before I left. I am using Apple's Garage band to do the music, and though I like the interface, I must say that it is a piece of crap processor hog like a mofo. I am working on a 667 mhz G4, and it just grinds it down to a halt after playing 30 seconds of the stuff that I'm making. I got spoiled using Ableton's Live for a bit. That is a sweet piece of software. I can hardly wait until i am makin' the fat bux and can afford that fine app. Perhaps when I get my Mac mini, I will be able to hobble along a bit better with what I've got.

Today I also designed the first of ten masks that I hope to rough out while I am here. When Miss Merritt gets back into the Bay Area, she and I are planning to collaborate on a gallery show. The masks are for that, as well as a solo show of me own, which will involve illustration and sculpture.

For some reason, I am feeling more inspired these days. I needed to take a new direction, so the li'l music vidlettes are doin' me right.

Posted me a stupid li'll video as you can see.

That's Cody®. Cutest Dog in Worlb™

I have decided that I am more interested in posting videos and music than illustrations right now. I could write a buncha crap about my life, but I'm sick of this bloggin sheeit. NOt of blogging per se, but of the fact that I censor myself so much. It got so bad that I went out and journalled elsewhere, and let me tell you- that can be a petty vomit pile.

Anyway- my mom is still on the gradual decline, but holding up amazingly well, considering that she was supposed to have been dead by this late date. She is still up and about about and in little physical pain. Her mood is good, considering.

To any of my peeps in SF: If you see any couch cushions that don't look like they've been peed on, or rained on, could you either grab them for me, or wrote and tell me where they is?

I will come and pick 'em up offa yr handses. I need foam.

I know that a lot of people hate VD day, but when I'm really in a relationship, I like it quite a bit.

I was up all night ( until 7) decorating V's place with with all manner of things (I'd go into it, but it would cheese you out. Suffice it to say that it took 6 hours, and I didn't even finish, because the sun was coming up). I am all cheesy like that. When I woke up, I went into my office, and V had done up my desk in a similar fashion. I even got a ring. It seems to me that the people who hate VD the most don't get it. It's like going to Burning Man with a chip on your shoulder, and getting pissed that you didn't get enough free glowsticks and bootay, but hiding it with a vitriol sammowinch.

My mom has been back at home for a few days, and as usual, appears to be rebounding nicely.

Her leg is still swollen and pink, but the pain is gone, aside from a bit in the morning that needs to be walked off. She tires more easily, and is a bit weaker than normal, but is up and about and doing well, all things considered. If she continues like this, I should be back in San Fran as of Friday.

I have been spending my days working on making her place m,ore comfortable for her, and my evenings doing Japanese. I am being pretty aggressive about it. It's nice to get continual proof that my mind still works.

I'm sick.

The hospital has gotten the best of me, and I have as cold. Sore throat, run down. Bleah. I started coming down with it yesterday, and have been eating tons of vitamin c, zinc, and Airborne. Today, since I am a bit farther along the path, I am gonna wear a mask, and try to talk my mom into it as well. In addition to washing my hands about every five minutes, I am bringing a squirt bottle of alcohol to the hospital with me. Everything is gonna get a squirt- except maybe for my eye.

No word on whether or not my mom is heading home today. She said that her leg had a touch of pain when she woke up, but is now fine. Any more than that, and I am gonna insist on them putting her back on the antibiotics. I got her some major pro-biotic formula a few days ago to hopefully counter some of the negative effects, and hopefully that will help. The stupid "professionals" at the hospital that she take her meds in an order that she wouldn't if she was left to her own devices. If her blood pressure dips again, I am going to raise some hell.

Everyone at the hospital comments at length about what a great son I am, but to me, it's just a sad commentary on the quality of relationships that people have with their kids. The only reason that I am in there all day and night, is that my mom is a very loving person, and actually cared to foster a real connection with me as I grew up, rather than being overly concerned about me living out some fantasy of parental expectation. Unconditional love and support goes a long, long way. I just want to make sure that I can support her to the best of my ability through this process, since I can't really see a single thing that is more important in life.

I'm about to cut out of here, to go on my usual errands: Get my mom some ice cream at McDonalds (which, for some hideous reason, she and I are both partial to), and some movies. We watched three yesterday, all of which we enjoyed. THis movie feast has been a real pleasure.

We were under the impression that my mom was coming back home today, but we were el wrongo.

Her blood pressure, which runs super low normally, dipped into the dangerous zone this morning. When it gets into that zone, stroke is a serious possibility, so they are keeping her a bit longer to see if they can adjust her medication to keep her within a safer zone. They also say that the tests that came back for her leg point to it not being an infection, so they are going to take her off the antibiotics and see if she continues to get better. The pain is gone now, so aside from this blood pressure issue, she is back to normal. I'm gonna rent a bunch more movies today, and head back to the hospital. They have let me cheat when it comes to the visiting hour rules. I have been getting to stay 3 or four hours past the routine hours- up until my mom goes to sleep.

I have been continuing to snooze with cody, which has been great. As most people know, I have a penchant for stuffed animals, so sleeping with a real one is a treat (pull your mind out of the gutter, you perv.....)

I have also started to go to the gym after leaving the hospital. I am using the time there to push forward with my Japanese lessons on the iPod. It's my goal to be mostly through with the first set of 30 by the time that I leave. I can speak more Japanese now than French, and if I was plopped down in Tokyo, and nobody there could speak English, I could communicate most of the basic things, and quite a bit more. If I can keep up the pace, I can catch up to V, who is almost halfway through the second set. She has opportunity to speak with clients from Japan, and they are all amazed at how fast she is learning. She aims to be fluent in a number of years, so I am using the opportunity to tag along. I really enjoy acquiring new skillz, and am pleased to see that my mind still works fairly well, even though I have massacred a significant portion of my frontal lobe over the years. I wish that I could work out and do 3D modeling at the same time as well. That's another skill that I would love to push forward on.

I have been going round and round about getting back into school. If I do it, I want to seriously press ahead to get my Master's degree, and pursue being a therapist. I am closer to that path now than I've ever been, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that embarking o that course is not the type of path that I am attuned to. I have a great amount of respect for academia on one hand, and on the other, I think that it's just some elaborate pantomime that is not for the likes of me. THe biggest concern that I have is that I really feel like I am at some sort of crossroads, and that I want to engage in something that will likely have a future. I know that most of that impulse is illusory, but there are really some practical aspects to it which can;t be denied. If I had a history of being able to apply myself effectively to my art career, I would not be considering the academic path, but I either have to shit, or get off the pot at some point.

Back at the hospital, and my mom is doing much better.

She really can rally. no doubt. It looks like her leg had an infection, because the antibiotics appear to be working now. The only problem is that they have effectively messed with her digestive system. HTe last time that that happened, she lost a ton of weight, which she never really put back on. I have gotten her some yogurt to hopefully help things a bit. If all goes well, maybe we can have her out of here in a day or so. I rented a ton of movies to sit and watch with her, and brought a bunch of food from home, so we will sit and veg out and hopefully we can get her to pig out a bit.

My little canine brother cody, slept on the bed with me last night. It was cute and cozy. V doesn't like the thought of him getting bed duty when he comes to live with me, but I have promised to keep him well laundered.

I'm sitting in the hospital next to my mom's bed.

She however, isn't in it, since they have taken her to get an ultrasound on her leg. It's swollen and painful, and they think that it's either an infection, a blood clot, or and autoimmune disease. If it's the latter, then she might be even more screwed, since there will be nothing that they can do about it, and it might get worse. This sort of thing is something that i didn't really think too much about when I originally pictured her progression of the amyloidosis. I didn't bother to think about the fact that as the body is attacked from one direction, that it just opens up the doors to all manner of other diseases and problems. If this thing with her leg doesn't get better, she will certainly need full-time care, since she will be unable to walk or stand. It's just a matter of waiting and seeing... It's good to be here with her, and to care for her. Certainly less frustrating than trying to do it by phone. I'm her personal medical attendant. Making sure that the questions that need to be answered are, and that when she needs something, she will get it posthaste. Yesterday, I was listening to a radio documentary about new, nasty, antibiotic-resistant bacteria that are hanging out in hospitals these days. I have been the hand washing king all day because of it. Nurturing my own little case of OCD.

Things with V have been going very well. For those of you that don't know, we broke up for about 8 hours shortly after my birthday. I was absolutely convinced that there was no way that things could work between us, but I am very happy to have been proven wrong in my original assessment. I really would like to see this go the long haul.

Last night we went to a couple of parties- Locko and Richardo's birthday party, and then around ten thirty, we went to another one. I had to drop my car off in my garage before we went though, and managed to leave my garage keys at V's place. This meant that I had to jump the fence to the back yard. While I was doing it, one of the guys who works at the pizza place next door came out to see what the racket was all about. I hope he has better stuff to do than to follow my lead and hop in my back yard to explore the hidden treasures of the garage. I hope that they don't steal my broken shoehorn.

I have a loud torch.

I have a loud torch. Everyone has commented on the fact that it is super loud- louder than normal in fact, since i run it extra hot so that i can work fast. Everyone who has worked with me has always complained, but since it has always been my shop- or at least a shop that is equally shared, people have just dealt with it. Well, now the situation is different/ Today,one of the guys who came in to work, had to leave, due to being driven insane by te jet engine of my glassiness. Fortunately, the guy who runs the shop has an extra torch that runs quietly, an is willing to let me borrow it. IT will undoubtedly slow me dow until I get used to it, but I am willing to give it a shot. It's either that, or work the graveyard hours- which are my favorite hours to work at home (plus, the only hours to get in some smoochin'!

It's a pain

There is so much to do for the holidays, and no time in which to get it done. Between going back and forth to Colorado all of the time, and work, there is little time to make things like I usually do. Hopefully, I will figure something out.

My mom is doing surprisingly well. She has held ground this whole time, which is faboo!

There are times when breaking up is the best way to stay together.

I am here in my mom's living room, chatting with Ben and Gwinne in Cameroon. I love technology.

Tonight my mom and i went to see The Incredibles, which I absolutely loved. Pixar knocks my socks off. It was great to have such a good night out after having last night being such a crappy one. My mom really bounced back. As time goes on, it gets to be a more and more delicate balancing act in regards to her treatment versus her symptoms. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that everyone can cooperate to keep that balance all the way through.

Tomorrow I go to see my dad, and step mom. I believe that one of my stepsisters will be there as well. a reglur fambily hoedown.

I setup a blog for my mom's condition, so that her peeps cvan easily find out what is what. It is located at patupdate.blogspot.com

I have yet again, been neglectful of el bloggo.

Yesterday I spent the entire day in the hospital with my mom. The day before, she woke up feeling very nauseous, and by the time we had brunch, she couldn't keep food down. She was in bed the whole day, which is not the norm for her. Yesterday, she awoke, feeling the same way, so we went to a clinic, where they ran a bunch of tests. Evidently, in the ongoing quest to keep her lungs free enough of fluid to function, she was severely depleted of potassium, which can be fatal in her case. They had her report to the E.R., where they shot her up with the missing stuff, and admitted her for overnight observation. She and I had rented a movie earlier in the day, and I brought my laptop so we could watch it. I sincerely hope that I am there with her in this way for the majority of the time that she needs to be in such situations in the future. It meant a tremendous amount to both of us.

The doctor actually is going to release her at 8 am. That is cruel and unusual punishment in my book. What ever happened to noon? Bastard. Both my mom and I are vampires. We will melt or something.

this says it all...

Okay- so I haven't been really great at keeping the blog going full speed.

Fortunately, there's nothing on the line as far as that goes. Last night, I ended up going to the Castro with leila and a gaggle of her boyz. Had a snoot full, and looked at lots of crazy, drunken/drugged revelry. It was what it usually is.

V and I went to a party on Saturday. Unfortunately, I was too busy being in agony to enjoy it very much. It seems as though i didn't properly clean my spooky contacts last time I put them away. I was then dopey enough to leave them in for a few hours, even while my eyes screamed at me. By the time the night was through, I was pretty incapacitated. I awoke yesterday with my eyes glued shut with goo, and when I looked in the mirror, I knew that I had better go to the hospital. There, I discovered that i am the happy owner of some new microbes. Yep- got me a case of pink eye in both of my eyes. Now I get to put some fancy vaseline in them, in order to go a killin' my new pets. Yuuuum! Right now, I look like I smoked a pound of pot. It's charming.

While sporting these fancy peepers, I am sitting in the airport, waiting for a plane that will take me to Colorado. It's my mom's birthday today, and I'm very much looking forward to seeing her. I'll be there for a bit less than a couple of weeks if all goes to plan. Then I'll come back, put in a couple of weeks on the torch, and head back out for Thanksgiving.

Boy, am I curious to see how the election debacle will turn out. I'm sure it'll be pretty decisive, since Diebold will be kind enough to hand the whole thing over to the creep show that is currently in power. I have so many friends who talk of the frustration at trying to have a political discussion with people who are supporters of those fools. I just can;t bring myself to do it. The evidence is so overwhelming that they are recklessly messing with the world in a greedy,dishonest, hubristic, foolhardy and dangerous manner, that one obviously would have to have exceedingly powerful blinders on. Blinders that strong, are impervious to influence. Fortunately, there is early voting in California, so I have already made my dissent official.

Last week, there was a gentleman on the radio who was speaking about the way that our society is set up. One of the things that he said that really stuck with me, is that he said that our system encourages people to want what they don;t need, and to not want what they do need. I definitely agree with that. I was having a conversation with one of Leila's friends last night about internet connectivity in remote places. He was saying that in Alaska, the government subsidizes telephony, and consequently the internet as well. It's interesting to me that phone access is seen as a necessity, but healthcare is not. We are all insane.

Here is my plane.

As anyone who knows me can attest to, homelessness is something that I never completely rule out as a possibility.

It's not that I ever plan on being homeless, or that I glamorize it, but how many homeless people originally set out with that plan? There are obviously a number of bright, talented non-addict folks on the streets who never would have imagined themselves there- peopel who have lost their way in life- who have lost their support system through random events. When I was in college, I was fairly convinced that this could be in my future for a spell, after I left school. There was no fucking way I was going to enter into the working world in any way that I had seen in my environment. It felt like pimping out my life to in the ways that I saw around me was inconceivable- voluntary slavery in a way. Now- this is largely because I had seen nothing in the way of an imaginative, industrious freak who made a living at being just that (which I obviously have at this point in my life). My rule was that if I was going to suffer, I was going to do it on my on terms. I figured that as long as I had a sketch pad, scissors, and a hot glue gun, I could do alright for myself, and things would sort themselves out. Eventually I would climb on up and thrive. Obviously there are many more niches out in the world to make a living than I was aware of back then. My homeless contingency plan has now been pushed up to my later years, since one never knows how one will end up as the autumn years set in. In that vein, I was pleased to run across this. It makes for really good reading.

I gotta have my morbid fantasies- and homelessness tends to be one of them...

In order to make my day at work a bit more tolerable, I usually play little mind games with myself.

Rather than have a big pile of prep work, I split it up into piles of ten pieces, and just focus on one pile at a time ( I usually do either forty or fifty pieces a day, depending on the piece). I reward myself at the halfway point with a quick lunch, or a snack. I also time myself on each piece, and do my best to stay within my allotted time. It halps keep me sane(ish).

I booked my ticket to go out to be with my mom for her birthday. I'l probably be there for a bit less than two weeks. I return to hop back on the torch for another two weeks before heading back out for thanksgiving.

Man- I can hardly wait to get my hands on a new machine and a copy of Doom 3 when it comes out for Mac. I will never be heard from again...

I am such a dork.

My mind is slipping.

Among other things, this leads to me forgetting to bring my phone with me when i go to work- which in turn means that I missed a call from Merritt.

She and i have talked a couple of times this weekend, but for various reasons, we had to cut it short. Typical. She says that their bikes are being held in customs for an indeterminate amount of time. Could be a day, could be few weeks. She is very happy to be back in the states, though I'm certain that she will be less so if the election goes as many think it will... It is so good to talk with her though. We have two years worth of conversations bottled up, and I'm lookin' forward to uncorkin' it.

After work, I headed briefly over to Dave's, where he saved the day (again) by getting my iPod up and running again, while I played a demo of Doom 3 on his machine. I am officially stating that i will be screwed when I get a machine that can handle that game. Plus, I'll have big, awful nightmares.

Other than that: Glassblowing= Suckass.

Suck

Ass.

Since V and I got together, I've practically lived at her place.

I think that I've spent one night at my place in that time. I have decided that this week, I am going to begin staying home with some regularity, so that I can get more done. As hard as it has been for me to motivate recently, I think that it is even harder when i am not in my familiar work space. I am very space-specific when it comes to my creative output. The next big challenge will be to curb my web surfing. That one is deadly for productivity...

Yesterday, V and I got into a short discussion about retirement before I drove her to the airport.

She of course, is setting herself up to properly retire- like my Dad did. I on the other hand, am completely SOL in that department.- Like my Mother. I spoke with my mom about it today while we were vidchatting. We were talking about how she and I both have embraced the gamble in life. SHe said that her dad would often tell her towards the end of his life "you act like your never going to get old my girl, but just you wait." In her case, the gamble paid off- just in a far from satisfactory manner. She did what she was compelled to do, and stopped working the jobs that made her miserable. If she would have put things on hold until she retired, she would have lost the bet. It's obviously not as though that has had anything to do with my choices in life up to now, but it does illustrate a bit of how I feel about life (though I would not be surprised if irony serves me up a long, long life..). At his stage of the game I will be screwed in my old age if I lose that gamble. This is something that I am aware of on a daily basis, though for whatever reason, I still pursue life as i do (do i feel lucky?) It makes for a mighty meaty life sammowinch, all chock fullah worry bits. MMmmmm... snacky!

All I know is that this has always been the way of my life. No big plan- just a series of choices that unfold into more choices, that open to others. Perhaps I am getting to a point in my life where I need a more far reaching plan, but that is a very alien thing to me. It definitely has its appealing aspects. I know myself well enough to know that there needs to be some sort of organic way for me to get to that point, or it won;t take. Often the more abrupt ways that i make shift like that come through some very difficult paths. Things do seem to be pointed in that deerection these daze...

Honestly, I have a difficult time motivating for much of anything these days, but getting my ass on the torch is proving to be a real bitch.

Luckily I like listening to public radio a great deal, since that's what I do all day when at work. I do still find myself being flabbergasted from time to time by the bullshit that I hear flinging out of the presidents mouth, and it still makes my jaw drop. I must admit that a recent article in the New York Times did help to clarify my view on GW. Also, a couple other things that have been of interest: like the interview with Filmmaker David Balsider in which he discusses his documentary that is sympathetic towards GW's "faith based" presidency. Another is the Morning Edition piece about the political screening at bush rallies. Thank the Lucky Lord that that man is out there fighting for freedom and justice! He gots Satan on the run now!

By the way- for those of you who are interested in hearing this interview, but don't want to use the spyware-infused realplayer, you can get a non-spyware version here.

Merritt is back in the states now. She popped me off a mail to say that she is back, but wont; be making any calls until she is settled at her parents place, once her bike makes it out of customs.

V flies to Washington DC for work this morning. I get to drive her to the airport at 6 am. Yeek.

When I first started doing the online dating thing, I went out for lunch with this nice, but very sad and dorky woman.

We only went out that once, but I discovered that she had a live journal account. Over the years, I pop in to it to see how she's coping. It's usually not very well. She has a very hard go with life. Not very good in the coping department, and seems to invite lots of sorrow into her world. Of course, this makes for good reading.

Given that there are many emotional things stirring in me these days that are less than thrilling, I have no doubt that I too could make for some good reading, but alas, I don't have it in me to roll out the mucky mat for yon public. Oh sure, I'll allude to it, and gesture towards it gnash my teef and make "ick" faces, but I have to keep the readers BORED! (Is it working? Good!)

My mom is doing better today. She had been slipping for the past week or so, but some adjustments in her medication seem to be taking hold, and she is breathing easier. As her heart continues to get be compromised, the main expression of it is that her lungs retain fluid, which makes it difficult for her to breathe. That is what almost killed her just before I went out to see her last time. Thanks to the wonders of diuretics, it has been kept in check. I'll be out to see her in less than two weeks.

Yesterday I was back at the torch. As unhappy as I am about it, I still feel very fortunate to have it as a backup.

Keeled me a mousey in the garage. Smush. I put him in the compost bin instead of the freezer. I'm weird like that. Hear me roar.

Tomorrow I go back to the torch for a while.

Many hours spent punching the holes in the Cheerios. Whee.

I sent out a mail to the printer to get the ball rolling on my book. Hopefully I will be pleased with their work, and will be in possession of a pile of product to pimp out.

On the anticipation front: Miss Merritt Moo of Photobiker fame is back in the fine You Ess of Ay as of tonight. I hope that I hear from her before I hit the hay, but am not holding my breath, since she will undoubtedly be overwhelmed by being stateside again. It will be sooo great to be able to blab on the phone for hours on end with her.

Today I realized I had a certain sense of anticipation regarding the election.

I am just waiting for that eleventh hour seeprise. What it gonna be? Tear-or-izm? Osammy Bin Blammy rolled out on a stick? Wepunz o'mass distukshunt "discovered" in I-Rack? What could it be? What?

I'm on the edge of my seat. It's stainy there.

A very sad but true fact, is that I look forward to coming home every day to see if I caught anything new (and not hamstery) in my rat traps in the garage. For the third time, I have come home to find the bait gone, but nothing caught. I have moved to mousey-sized traps, which I think is the prollem. I am twisted and wrong. Soon I will have a dead mouse to put in the freezer with the hamster.

Wanna lick?

How many times have I tried to get my sorry-assed blog going again?

Too goddamn many- at least as far as the follow-through went. I have that feeling that I am going to make a go of it again. I am hoping to get back into any sort of creative rhythm. THings have just creatively fallen to shit for me. I still have my odds and ends that continue, but I haven't gotten anything out there in a while.

There are many factors that silenced my blog, but the biggest is that there just got to be the fact that the majority of points of interest in my life were things that needed for various reasons to remain out of the public realm, since they involved the lives of others, who are mostly private people. When sitting down to write, I'd have these things burning hot in my mind, and to try to write about anything else was just worthless to me. Of course, there is still a lot of that, but I will do my best to find morsels of interest elsewhere.

Another thing that was a silencing factor is the fact that I have been feeling somewhat useless these days. Mainly since I have yet to kick-start any significant new projects, while at the same time, follow through with my existing ones (can anyone say "book?"). Add to that the fabulous and hilarious thigh slappers about the combination of me, hooch and gravity, and one could understand the silence of the keyboard.

So- here I go. Yet again, aiming to rev up the blog. So, here's a bit of my life:

My mom has lost some ground, but is still pushing on. We ichat often, so I see her (or at least a grainy, blurry, two-dimensional virtual her) routinely.

Here she is today, with her Dog, Cody.

The trip that I took out there last was really good for the both of us. For me, it made this process a bit easier. To be with her for a month, to reconnect for so long, in person, and to get a taste of what she is going through in her daily life these days was really healing for me. I am going to go out for her birthday on the first of November, and then hop back and forth between here and there for the holidays, until she needs more help on a daily basis. That is just as far ahead as I look these days. It makes it easier.

My relationship with Victoria is still going very well. It's very welcome to in a fulfilling and dynamic relationship. It is really one of the brightest spots in my life. She is terriff, and I feel quite lucky. Since I have been in such an unproductive space for a while, I do get routine pangs of insecurity, since she is so very focused and successful in her career, and I have pathologically been getting little done. Fortunately, I am familiar with my patterns, and I know that this phase will pass- but it doesn't keep it from being a bit nerve-racking from time to time...

I have gone back to glassblowing part time, to help insure that I remain somewhat solvent. I work in Berkeley, in a very well kept and professional shop. It seems to be working out. I am none to thrilled to have to get back on the torch, but until I get a new revenue stream coming in, it's what i gotta do.

Locke has spent months working on a system to figure out which direction he is going to head next, and ther are parts of that that have been inspiring to me. This is mainly due to the fact that I am so overloaded with impulses to head in so many different directions, that it completely shuts me down. I have yet to formulate a plan. I significant piece of difficulty comes from the uncertainly of how and when things are going to unfold with my mom.

So- there's a bit of my life. What I can write about.

I have a deal with my landlord to help around the place- to sweep common areas from time to time, trim the vines in the backyard, etc.,

so when my neighbor contacted him about rats in the garage, he asked me to lay some traps. Today, when I checked them, this is what I found.

Rememeber(a href="http://www.pushby.com/ian/archives/007395.html#007395"> that accident that i had when I needed stitches in my thumb?

I got a bill a while back for 150 bucks. The total was 300, but insurance covered half. I figured that was reasonable. Yep. Well- today i get a bill, and SURPRISE! IT turns out that I owe ANOTHER 500 MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS!!!! and that's AFTER THE $700 THAT THE INSURANCE PAID!!! Yes- that's right. To get 9 stitches in my thumb cost almost $1400!!!

I don't even know what to say. This is fucked.

As of yesterday, I am back in San Fran for a while.

When I left, i said that i was going t be with my mom to nurse her back, or to say goodbye. I am very pleased to say that sh rebounded, though I don;t think that me nursing her back had much to do with it. She ujst bounced back. I will be back home for as long as she holds her ground.

It is soooo great to be back though... As I've said a gajillion times, I lovelovelove it here. It's great to be back with V as well. I'm thinking of having a gathering-type of dealie. Perhaps a barbeque. I haven't had a gathering at my place of any size before. I'll have to get on it if it is to happen.

In the meantime, i intend on getting the glassblowing thing going, pushing to find a publisher for my book, catching up with friends, and smooching my sweetheart.

It's a simple plan, for a simple guy.

Just checking in..

My mom is still holding ground, though the doctor has said that according to the blood tests, she is feeling better than she is doing. Evidently her heart is continuing to stiffen, and is losing ground, but being on oxygen (which she is on 24/7) has helped her a great deal. TOmorrow, she is going to get on some steroids that will hopefully give her a little push as well. I will be coming back to San Francisco late on the 31st (actually early on the first) and plan to be there for at least a week, so I am hoping that she will continue to feel fine for a while in my absence. Unfortunately, when I booked my ticket, I forgot about a conversation that I had with V a couple of weeks ago, in which she recommended (rightfully) that I book the trip out for the weekend before the first, so that our chances of having two weekends together would be greatly improved. Doh! It's a wonder that i can tie my own shoes at times... I am also very much looking forward to seeing the rest of my loved ones back home. It's funny, because when I'm there, a big, fat moth can go by, and just knowing that I can see everyone at the drop of a hat, keeps the missing away. Damn tehm moths Now that I've been gone, I have to reconnect. It's a comfort thing in unsure times.

V's trip out here was fantastic. It was great to have her out here. We ended up staying in the hotel for the entire time, which, though not exactly financially prudent, was a great thing for both of us. I really do feel that we are building a relationship that has legs to it, and has every chance of going the long haul. Of course, only time will tell, but things are unfolding in a very promising manner. We are disgusting with all of our goo for each other, which I am very, very happy about- what being all madly in love with her and everything....
(goo goo goo goo)....

Another thing that has been very satisfying for me is that I have been bringing my mom a bit more up to snuff, technologically speaking. I have installed a new hard drive in the machine I gave her for mother's day, which means that she will be back up and running with the video phone for when i make my trip back home. Then next thing was that we are selling her old equipment, and using the money to pay for a laptop that I bought her through Craigslist. Now, should she find herself in the hospital again, she will have a decent machine to continue her writing on. THis make me very, very happy. The final thing was that she has had the crappiest stereo speakers in her place forever. They are big, and heavy, and one of them was blown, so they really were just a waste of space. For her, they were better than nothing, so she kept them. Well, a couple f days ago, I went to Fort collins to help my Dad and step mom unpack, and while I was there, I had the presence of mind to check with my Dad to see if he had any speakers he wasn't using- et v oilá! Now my mom actually has a stereo that sounds good, and has extra room to boot. All of this gadgetry makes me very happy indeed. Staying in a house with crappy technology is like fingernails on a blackboard to me.

It was really good to help my dad and step mom, and to get to be in their new place with them. I hope to make it down there again to help out some more before I head back to San Fran.

As it turns out, my mom is doing much better than I anticipated.

She has rebounded very close to where she was before going into the Intensive care unit. If she stays in this zone, I'll be coming back home for a bit at the end of the month. As for now, it's just good to spend some quality time with her, in which we get to enjoy activities together. When I booked my ticket to come here, I was expecting her to be mostly bedridden, but she has been up and around, and even running solo errands. If she keeps this up, she will definitely exceed her doctors expectations. She's a fighter.

We are going to shoot a video for her memorial service together. It's a pretty intense project to engage in, but I think that it will offer some valuable experiences.

V will be visiting for the next four days, as of tomorrow. I am greatly looking forward to it. Having herhere will be a fabulous treat. We will spend the first couple of nights at a hotel outside of Boulder, and then we will go ghetto.

My mom has gained ground.

Last week she was in intensive care, and was doing very badly. She had a minor heart attack, but that was the secondary to her problems. Because her heart is being greatly compromised by her illness, it is not pumping properly. On the night the she went into the ICU, this heart trouble had caused about three quarters of a gallon of liquid to build up in her lungs. She was literally drowning. On top of that was the heart attack. She had one more episode like that while in the hospital, but since I have been here, she has been doing surprisingly well. She is up and about, and though weak, is leading a productive life. Last night she started to have some problems breathing again, but we managed to bring her back before things got too bad.

The doctors have said that she has anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few months, but we all have experiences of Doctors being wrong. I just hope that when it's her time, she goes quickly.

She and I have spent a lot of time talking about death, and what she has been going through. It's a real opportunity for us to experience something deeply meaningful and challenging together. We are planning on shooting and editing a video for her memorial service.

I have been spending my time getting her house in a more orderly state than it's ever been, which is quite a monumental task, given her pack rat tendencies. The ritual of cleaning is therapeutic unto itself, while providing a much better living environment.

Facing all of this is much easier now that I'm out here, though I am homesick, and I am missing my loved ones back home. Thank the lucky lord for the interweb and the tell-o-phone.

The fantastic date that I had on july fourth has panned out into a very compelling relationship. We are only a month into it it, and are being presented with this hurdle, and though I take nothing for granted, I'm hopeful that all will be well. She (as well as everyone else whom I love) has been very supportive, and is coming out for a visit in a week, which I am greatly looking forward to.

Off I must go for now!

I am leaving my home to go back to be with my mom.

It may be days, it may be months, but I am going back to Colorado to care for her- whether to nurse her back, or to wish her farewell. There is much that I haven't written of in the last month- My new relationship, my mother's struggles... I will though. In time. I will miss everyone and everything here while I am gone. I have had the greatest offers of support, and I know that I am blessed.

More soon....

I discovered today that giantturd.com is available. Tempted as I am, I will refrain from buying it.

Much is up in my life these days.

I will go into it later. Right now, I have a question for everyone. I am retooling my show for an inside audience. I already have an initial gig, which is coming up at the end of the first week in August. Attaboy has invited me to perform in the lobby for his "I hate Cartoons" film festival, and he wants to list me in the promo material. Prollem is that I don't have a name for my show. Anyone have any ideas?

Oh... I get it.... support some of our troops. Only certain ones. The nice ones. The moral ones! Wait.. do the nice, moral ones kill people? Uh.. hmmm... maybe if they are eating apple pie when they kill... Oooh, I'm getting dizzy with all of these complications.. where's G.W. when you need him?! He always lets God's Simple Truth� shine through me like a moonbeam.....Ahhhhhh...